Adoption Plans in the Future

So I disappeared again, this time for 11 months. And a lot of things have Changed.

The biggest is when I fill out the adoption papers I will do so as part of a married couple.

The last post on this blog was about a package I received in the mail about money donated to an orphanage in Harare Zimbabwe, in my name. Well that act, and the subsequent scrapbook detailing the donation, really did melt my cold single mom heart. So we slowly rekindled the relationship, and now we are getting married in August in Banff.

So my Fiancé, and it is still so weird to type that, and I plan on visiting this Orphanage in 2010 when we visit the Fiancé's, (aka PN) family.

To now see many of my old blogging friends have referrals or even their children home, makes me so happy for them.

A Package in the Mail

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

I dated a gentleman last year. We only dated for about three months. He proposed. I said No. He has been trying to win me back ever since. His "winning me back strategies" went to far, and I had to cut ties with him. This should have been the end of the story.

But last evening when I walked to get the mail, there was a package from him. I was going to write return to sender on it and mail it back to him, unopened. But I didn't. I opened it. I was thinking that he remembered that it is ML's birthday next week and my heart softened a bit as it felt like a book, and ML loves books... There was a present for her in it, but something else as well.

A bit of background on this gentleman. He emigrated to Canada about 8 years ago from Zimbabwe. He and his family were/are privileged white farmers. He claimed he was much more liberal and open minded than most of his contemporaries, and thinks "just like you Tanya" but I could hear the racist undertones when he spoke. During these three months I was always speaking of the AIDS crisis in Africa, especially the orphans. He told me how many of the workers on their farm have died of AIDS. Fact of life he said. I said I am going to adopt. He says I am a silly Canadian girl and they would be better off dead in Africa than being raised by a single white Canadian. The relationship ended.

In his efforts to win me back, he said he has changed his mind, he will adopt what ever color of a child I want, and since he still has his Zimbabwean citizenship he could adopt a child for me without all the red tape... I turned this offer down.

One of his next efforts, was to run a triathlon. But before he ran this triathlon, he raised money. He said he will show me that he thinks "just like Tanya". He raised money for the Harare Children's Home where 30% of the children there are HIV+. He used the charitable status of his local church to fund the money through, and when his parents came to visit him, he handed the money over to them to donate. Because of the crisis in Zimbabwe the easiest way is to personally hand over the money. I knew he did this. I was happy that I was able to have that affect on someone. To see someones heart change, even just a little...But I haven't thought much about it since, especially with all the drama with him as of late.

But when I opened up the package in the mail last evening, there was a scrapbook that his mother had made. It showed where the money went to and pictures of some of the kids. It was now real. I saw what my rantings did. The money raised provided some much help for orphans in a country that is falling apart.

I have often wondered what can I do? I can talk about it. I can blog about it. But what does it really change? I now see what I can do. I can share my passion.

Have my feelings for this man changed? I don't know. But now I know he came into my life for a reason.

( I am trying to figure out how to post the scrapbook here... and will, as soon as I figure out how to)

AHOPE T-Shirts

One of the blogs I read had a link to the new AHOPE store selling t-shirts, and I wanted to share the informtaion.

I will have a link posted on the bottom of my blog for future reference. I would have it higher but I am not having much luck getting the whole image on the sidebar... ( this is a cry for help if anyone knows a quick fix... hint hint!!)

Perspective

OK after my fluff post below, I am going to link to a gut wrenching post. It is from Owlhaven. Reading it, literally made me feel like I was kicked in the stomach.

My sister Sophie arrived in Ethiopia a week ago, and will be working at the Soddo Hospital until August. She sent me this email on Friday.

Dr. Ruth asked us if we would be able to walk a family to the orphanage. A couple had brought their infant to the outpatient department, hoping to give her up for adoption. When I saw them, I immediately knew that the dad had AIDS. He was remarkably thin, with a round belly. Every single bone in his face stuck out, and he looked completely exhausted. The mom was a beautiful petite little thing, openly nursing her gorgeous (no words to express how beautiful this baby is!), chubby baby.

I took a deep breath, chatted as much as I could (about 2 sentences before explaining to her that I only speak a little bit of Amharic and don’t understand what she just said), admired the baby, and started the walk to the orphanage. My heart broke for the family walking behind me. How completely desperate they must be to bring this stunningly beautiful, and clearly cherished, child to an orphanage. I sadly noticed that their clothes were church clothes—they must have dressed up for the occasion. I’m pretty sure I could not have done that.

When we got to the orphanage, we were surrounded by even more gorgeous little ones, all vying for our attention. Even though I held hands and greeted these giggling children, my heart was still with that mom who was holding her baby close to her. We presented the family to the man in charge, who asked a few questions (mostly, “if you are both alive, why are you bringing this child here?”) before telling them that they needed to bring the child to their local kebele (government office), who would take care of the court proceedings before they could legally give their child up. Dad was not happy about it, but I think I saw a hint of relief in the mother’s eyes. Not today, she was thinking.

As I had chai and dabbo (tea and bread) at that orphanage with children crawling all over me, I wondered what would happen with that family. Would the mom convince her husband that they could wait just awhile longer? Maybe she wouldn’t get sick. Maybe the little girl is healthy. Maybe they wouldn’t have to say goodbye to their cherished baby. Maybe their prayers would be answered.

Maybe someday we’ll understand why God chooses to do what He does. Maybe we’ll know why He lets things happen that, from our perspective, could never be “for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” How could a continent full of orphaned children be good for anyone?

My New Favourite Amharic Proverb

OK I think it is the only Amharic proverb that I know, but I love it nonetheless

People who love each other will meet without any appointment.

How did I find it? Reading Julie's blog. Her Guest blogger tells a great story today.

Go check it out!

I Realize I am an Idealist but...

Reading through my list of blogs I check on daily, I came across a post about a women asking for advice whether to add to her family or not. Obviously this is a very personal question and we assume that she will do what she wants regardless of what the blog world has to say. To colour her decision is the fact she has twins, boy girl after many years of infertility and treatment. She thinks she wants to add a 3rd.

Anyways what struck struck me is how many commenters mentioned the cost. Now I know kids cost money... I realize that daily. Some of the commenters wrote about needing a new house and needing a new car and how for them when they added the 3rd child PRIVATE SCHOOL was now just out of reach.... And that these were the important factors to consider when debating about addiong another child to the family.

Back to my title, I know I am an Idealist. I know some call me a Bleeding Heart. But comments like that just scream blatant materialism and commercialism. Kids can share rooms. I have seen it happen. My sisters shared a room until they were 14. No worse for ware, or so they assure me. Most cars fit 5 people, and with the price of gas bigger is certainly not better. And well Private school? Wow. That certainly would never factor in my decision on whether to add a child, but then again call me crazy.

I understand that there needs to be enough money coming in for the mortgage/rent, food clothes, etc. etc. And a little extra for soccer and movies is nice as well. All I can think of is how many kids in this world would probably wish for nothing more than a family with a small house and a shared bedroom to be loved in... private school be dammed. Any school would be a privilege.

OK I'm off my soapbox now.

Feel good Article

Here is something to make your Monday feel just a little bit better.

40 Days of Change

Rana posted this challenge on her blog a few days ago. I wanted to join in.

What is 40 days of change you ask? Well, I will tell you. 40 Days of Change is about making a change. A change in you, to aspects of your life, to your community or to the world.

I have been mulling around the idea for a few days, trying to decide what I would do. Well I have decided.

I want to change the amount I consume.
I want to get rid of the excess STUFF that is cluttering up our house

How I consume food, household items, clothing etc. When buying groceries yesterday the increase prices of food really hit home.

And then this is happening. (I know if I consume less food etc. it won't end food shortages and droughts.) In North America, we consume far more than we need. Also the less I consume, the easier on the pocket book my adoption will be.

There is too much "stuff" in my house, and I want to get rid of it.

Rana is posting daily inspirations, and I recommend you check out her blog to follow along. I will post intermittently about my progress as well!

Thanks for this great Idea Rana!!

My Heart Just Aches...

This post is inspired by the Legitimate Families post by Nicky. Not specifically about whether transracial adoption is legitimate, but why I am adopting.

My heart just aches. I do not know how else to describe how I feel about adding to my family. My heart just aches to parent more kids.

Anyone who has read any of my ranting and ravings about my ex, ML's father, knows we do not get along. Have I tried? Yup. Over and over again. It causes me and ML so much grief, I know that I never want to go down that path again. This path of separated parents.

And still my heart breaks a little every time a friend or acquaintance announces a pregnancy. But with the experience I have had with the ex and court and the fighting... Pregnancy is not something I am willing to do without a very secure and stable relationship. And I am 35 with no prospects on the horizon... Of course, never say never, but as it stands now. NO. It hurts too much to feel like a part time parent. And to parent with one who is not willing to be collaborative... frustrating is an understatement.

So I have been researching adoption for almost 3 years. I have looked into adopting from the province. They are looking for 2 parent homes. I want to preserve the birth order in my house, it is important to me. I know ML needs to be the oldest. The only kids the province sees fit to place with a single gal like me are much older. That is not the right choice for my family.

When I first looked into International Adoption, my heart was drawn to Haiti. I used to live in Montreal, and there is a large Haitian community there. I was lucky enough to meet and work with many, thus Haiti felt right. However international adoption in Haiti is full of problems at the moment. I felt I needed to move on.

So I am now pursuing Ethiopia, and my heart aches. It aches now to know who the new little person(s) is/are who will be apart of ML's and my family.

The reactions? Almost always first is about the money. In fact, today when discussing with my sister about a recent pregnancy announcement, I mentioned how it is hard to hear. The first thing she says? "Why? Could you afford to have another kid?" This I assume is directed at me because I am a single parent. I am sure no one would ask a couple that if they stated they wanted to add a second child to their family. But this is the reaction I get whenever I mention this desire, this ache I feel to parent another child.

The second reaction to this ache? Always seems like a competition. Who hurts the most. "Well at least you have have a kid, you know so-and so don't have any so you are lucky" in comparison. I do not like the who hurts more game. Until you have walked in an other's shoes... you do not know.

The third, is the most upsetting. For some reason people feel the need to tell me that a child who has a different skin color than me is better off hungry or dying in their home country than becoming a part of this Caucasian single mom's home. Then I am told that I can't save the world. I know that.

I ache for another child. International adoption will bring that child into my home. Perfect solution for all the orphans in the world? Absolutely not. Perfect for me in this imperfect world? Absolutely.

Movie Date

As I mentioned on my single mom life blog, I took ML to a movie date last Thursday. She loved the movie, me, not so much.

Anyways, she has been talking about the movie non stop and wanted me to look for some Horton Hears a Who coloring pages, so I went online to see what I could find... and found this.

Now I am not usually one to get upset about the many ways that people throw around the word adopt. But this I don't get. There is not one mention of adoption in the movie, just an Elephant trying to save a place called Whoville.... (maybe I need to see the movie again! ha ha)

So I go on to see what it says, how to adopt a "Who" and this is the certificate that you get to print off... I just find this so offensive! Couldn't it be at least positive language, about love and family ? No, instead there is the

"Adopt a Who Promise

I promise to care for my Who

I promise to dress my Who in cool clothes (wtf!?!)

I promise to always keep my Who safe"

Discuss

Things I Wonder About

This probably should fall in the "don't sweat the small stuff" category.

The latest thing that has me wondering is how will a new kid feel about ML leaving every other weekend to spend time with her father. I keep thinking how this might be quite hard for a child who has had so much loss in their short lives to understand.

Would they wonder why they weren't going as well? Would they wonder why they don't have a father to visit? Would they feel that they are missing out? On the flip side, the weekends that ML goes to her father's this would be wonderful bonding time for me and the new kid. But then would ML feel like she is missing out? Am I worrying too much? Wait, don't answer that!

I know kids are adaptable and resilient, and we will create our own 'normal'. I am sure this will come up in my home study....

Speaking of my home study, I am still waiting for the OK to start from the province... how long does this usually take?

Questioning Myself

On my single mom life blog, I wrote about the mutiny that is occurring at my house with my daughter and getting dressed in the morning. I know that most kids have a phase where they are unreasonable about clothes, or want to wear the same thing every day etc... but it is days like today with the full meltdown over the lack of a t-shirt, that I wonder how am I going to be able to do this with another kid in the house...

This past weekend was spent just ML and I, hanging out, going to the zoo, watching a hockey game, visiting family. In the midst of having a great weekend with my little girl, my thoughts turn to questions, can I do all this with 2 in tow? Will I be taking away from ML with the addition of a new family member that will need so much of me? I know how much she will gain from having a sibling, but I worry that she will lose more ...

Does everyone have thoughts like this?

It is good that I know it won't be rainbows and sunshine all the time with kids, and I know that ML has provided me with a good 'boot camp' training readying me for another child. I know that we will just find a way that works for all of us, but it is days like these that I question my ability.

This questioning doesn't change my heart. I want more kids. I want to adopt. I think I am just looking for some re-assurance, that I can do this.

A Blue Ribbon For Baby Max

Please follow this link to read about this campaign.

Great Article

I haven't had much to say on the adoption front recently, but reading Erin's Blog, she linked and reviewed a great article on families and adoption. The best way to sum up what the article is about is mentioned by Erin.

The article looks at a wide variety of adoption issues, and addresses them by sharing the experiences of several different adoptive families. The question is asked, "Do parents really love adopted children differently than their own offspring".

Now I want to print it off and have it ready to handout to any family members or friends who need to be educated about love and family.

A Taste of What is to Come?

You know you are going to hear something bad when it is preceded by "I'm not a racist". Really? If you have to say that then you probably are.

In the last 2 weeks, on 3 different occasions, by 3 different people, about 3 different groups of people, I have heard "You can't trust "them".

What can I say? What should I say? Especially if they are said by people who are related to you? I don't want to cut them out of our life, not yet. I want to try to educate them. I believe that these statements are made out of fear and ignorance. All I know to do is question the person who says it, asking them if they know every single person of that ethnicity. Asking how they can paint a whole nation or people with that broad brushstroke?

You know what I get back? My head is in the sand, not wanting to see how people and/or the world really is. They tell me it is naive to think we can all just get along.

I want to respond intelligently to these comments when my kid(s) (hopefully plural) are old enough to understand. I want to be prepared and armed with "something" to act as a rebuttal when these comments are said around my family.

I know I am not alone in dealing with such comments. Any advice would be appreciated.

WORLD AIDS ORPHANS DAY

I have nothing profound to say about today being World AIDS Orphans Day. On my adoption blog, it just needs to be recognized.