Adoption Plans in the Future

So I disappeared again, this time for 11 months. And a lot of things have Changed.

The biggest is when I fill out the adoption papers I will do so as part of a married couple.

The last post on this blog was about a package I received in the mail about money donated to an orphanage in Harare Zimbabwe, in my name. Well that act, and the subsequent scrapbook detailing the donation, really did melt my cold single mom heart. So we slowly rekindled the relationship, and now we are getting married in August in Banff.

So my Fiancé, and it is still so weird to type that, and I plan on visiting this Orphanage in 2010 when we visit the Fiancé's, (aka PN) family.

To now see many of my old blogging friends have referrals or even their children home, makes me so happy for them.

And What Did You Do On Canada Day?

I am cross posting this from my other blog as I want to know what everyone did for their Canada Day!

It has been a trying couple of days for us at Chez single mom.

First Monday night a friend, who I had just spent the day with on Saturday, was seriously hurt at work and we weren't sure that he was going to make it... things are looking up for him, but it will be a long road. If you know anything about trucking and winches... the winch flung back and hit him in the throat... he is lucky to be alive.

I took ML to the local Canada Day Celebrations to get my mind off of things, and we made not one but two separate trips to the medical tent. Once for sunscreen in the eyes (kids tear free no less) that took about 4 eye wash/flushing to get out. How she managed to get so much sunscreen in her eyes is beyond me....

Then as we waited in line for a hot dog ML leaned against the very hot BBQ and burnt her arm. It was at this point that I threw in the towel!! She was treated and we went HOME!!!

Hope your Canada Day was less stressful than ours!!

AHOPE T-Shirts

One of the blogs I read had a link to the new AHOPE store selling t-shirts, and I wanted to share the informtaion.

I will have a link posted on the bottom of my blog for future reference. I would have it higher but I am not having much luck getting the whole image on the sidebar... ( this is a cry for help if anyone knows a quick fix... hint hint!!)

Feeding Party at Owlhaven

I have some extra blog reading for you, if that is your thing...I am trying not to be too bossy.

Remember this heart wrenching post I blogged about?

Now read about Dr. Mary's work in Ethiopia.

Then go to Owlhaven by midnight this evening, and if you are so inclined, donate to her paypal to the feeding program that Dr. Mary runs in Ethiopia as there are people going to deliver the funds to her in person.

Perspective

OK after my fluff post below, I am going to link to a gut wrenching post. It is from Owlhaven. Reading it, literally made me feel like I was kicked in the stomach.

My sister Sophie arrived in Ethiopia a week ago, and will be working at the Soddo Hospital until August. She sent me this email on Friday.

Dr. Ruth asked us if we would be able to walk a family to the orphanage. A couple had brought their infant to the outpatient department, hoping to give her up for adoption. When I saw them, I immediately knew that the dad had AIDS. He was remarkably thin, with a round belly. Every single bone in his face stuck out, and he looked completely exhausted. The mom was a beautiful petite little thing, openly nursing her gorgeous (no words to express how beautiful this baby is!), chubby baby.

I took a deep breath, chatted as much as I could (about 2 sentences before explaining to her that I only speak a little bit of Amharic and don’t understand what she just said), admired the baby, and started the walk to the orphanage. My heart broke for the family walking behind me. How completely desperate they must be to bring this stunningly beautiful, and clearly cherished, child to an orphanage. I sadly noticed that their clothes were church clothes—they must have dressed up for the occasion. I’m pretty sure I could not have done that.

When we got to the orphanage, we were surrounded by even more gorgeous little ones, all vying for our attention. Even though I held hands and greeted these giggling children, my heart was still with that mom who was holding her baby close to her. We presented the family to the man in charge, who asked a few questions (mostly, “if you are both alive, why are you bringing this child here?”) before telling them that they needed to bring the child to their local kebele (government office), who would take care of the court proceedings before they could legally give their child up. Dad was not happy about it, but I think I saw a hint of relief in the mother’s eyes. Not today, she was thinking.

As I had chai and dabbo (tea and bread) at that orphanage with children crawling all over me, I wondered what would happen with that family. Would the mom convince her husband that they could wait just awhile longer? Maybe she wouldn’t get sick. Maybe the little girl is healthy. Maybe they wouldn’t have to say goodbye to their cherished baby. Maybe their prayers would be answered.

Maybe someday we’ll understand why God chooses to do what He does. Maybe we’ll know why He lets things happen that, from our perspective, could never be “for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” How could a continent full of orphaned children be good for anyone?

The Spare Room

This post was inspired by CinnamonOpus...

This weekend, since it was so crappy out and I didn't get to stain my deck and fence..(Oh when rain gods will you let me have a rain free weekend??) I started to de-clutter my house. The room that had my focus was the spare room / the unnamed unknown child's room. Unnamed unknown child is too long and impersonal. They need initials... I like NK - new kid. Plus those are my mom's initials.


It took all day but I sorted thorough the junk, organized the closet, gathered ML's books and toys that she has outgrown and strategically placed them in the room. I am not one of those people who actually enjoys this sort of thing, but when I was looked into the room, saw the toys and books, thinking of NK , who would (I hope) love and abuse them, it made a day of cleaning all worth it.

My New Favourite Amharic Proverb

OK I think it is the only Amharic proverb that I know, but I love it nonetheless

People who love each other will meet without any appointment.

How did I find it? Reading Julie's blog. Her Guest blogger tells a great story today.

Go check it out!

I Realize I am an Idealist but...

Reading through my list of blogs I check on daily, I came across a post about a women asking for advice whether to add to her family or not. Obviously this is a very personal question and we assume that she will do what she wants regardless of what the blog world has to say. To colour her decision is the fact she has twins, boy girl after many years of infertility and treatment. She thinks she wants to add a 3rd.

Anyways what struck struck me is how many commenters mentioned the cost. Now I know kids cost money... I realize that daily. Some of the commenters wrote about needing a new house and needing a new car and how for them when they added the 3rd child PRIVATE SCHOOL was now just out of reach.... And that these were the important factors to consider when debating about addiong another child to the family.

Back to my title, I know I am an Idealist. I know some call me a Bleeding Heart. But comments like that just scream blatant materialism and commercialism. Kids can share rooms. I have seen it happen. My sisters shared a room until they were 14. No worse for ware, or so they assure me. Most cars fit 5 people, and with the price of gas bigger is certainly not better. And well Private school? Wow. That certainly would never factor in my decision on whether to add a child, but then again call me crazy.

I understand that there needs to be enough money coming in for the mortgage/rent, food clothes, etc. etc. And a little extra for soccer and movies is nice as well. All I can think of is how many kids in this world would probably wish for nothing more than a family with a small house and a shared bedroom to be loved in... private school be dammed. Any school would be a privilege.

OK I'm off my soapbox now.

Feel good Article

Here is something to make your Monday feel just a little bit better.

Silent Sibling - Being the Non-Adopted Child

This article from rainbowkids.com could very well be written by ML when she is older.

I have found many articles, blog posts, books all speaking of the need of adoptive parents to ensure that the birth culture of their adopted child is celebrated, and cultural events attended etc. Very rarely is this discussed in relation to any children who arrived in the family by birth. I know that everyday can be a celebration of their culture of being Canadian (or whatever cultural affiliation the family claims), but there needs to be more than that, I think at least.

This really made me think about ML when the author spoke about attending a Polish Festival.

"After all of these rich Korean cultural experiences, my parents thought it would be a great idea for me to explore my own Polish cultural heritage".

ML was born in Quebec. We moved from there when she has 4 months old. To hear her father speak you would think it is a vastly different culture and ethnicity than the rest of "English Canada". I want ML to know of her French background and culture as well as English. Granted, she has access to her french culture when she spends her weekends with her father, but I want it to be celebrated in our house as well.

The biggest lesson I took form this article can be summed up in the following quote:

Although not an official member of the triad, siblings are fully engulfed by the world of adoption. In fact, having a sibling who is adopted internationally means being an ambassador to the world of adoption: answering endless questions from various, interested people, attending enriching cultural events, among many other tasks, both large and small. It often requires reporting to others who are not aware of adoption not only the basics, but also intimate elements of the everyday life of your family that would otherwise remain private.

At times,the role of ambassador can be a heavy burden, especially since no sibling has asked for this life-long appointment. On the other hand, it can provide diverse, eye-opening experiences that most are not lucky enough to experience and even allow siblings who are brought together by adoption to bond in ways that biological siblings often do not.

This article just reminds me that I need to ensure that we do "French and English Canadian" cultural activities as well as ethnicity of our future adopted child in our family. I hope that one day I can take ML back to Quebec to see where she was born, to see our old house, the hospital etc. The same as I would wish for my adopted child, to take them back to the country of their birth.

This article was a great reminder of how to ensure that the non-adopted child/ren in the family are not left out in the learning about their cultural heritage.

40 Days of Change

Rana posted this challenge on her blog a few days ago. I wanted to join in.

What is 40 days of change you ask? Well, I will tell you. 40 Days of Change is about making a change. A change in you, to aspects of your life, to your community or to the world.

I have been mulling around the idea for a few days, trying to decide what I would do. Well I have decided.

I want to change the amount I consume.
I want to get rid of the excess STUFF that is cluttering up our house

How I consume food, household items, clothing etc. When buying groceries yesterday the increase prices of food really hit home.

And then this is happening. (I know if I consume less food etc. it won't end food shortages and droughts.) In North America, we consume far more than we need. Also the less I consume, the easier on the pocket book my adoption will be.

There is too much "stuff" in my house, and I want to get rid of it.

Rana is posting daily inspirations, and I recommend you check out her blog to follow along. I will post intermittently about my progress as well!

Thanks for this great Idea Rana!!

Tagged!! Its a long one... Updated I missed a few!!

I was tagged by Rana...

I am: an Idealist
I think: I am a little bit crazy but even more fun
I know: that I am getting better with age
I want: A house full of kids
I have: More spices than I will probably ever use
I wish: I could make a huge difference in this life… see above
I hate: Hypocrites and Cheaters
I miss: my cat
I fear: that my daughter will not out grow her Epilepsy
I feel: Sleepy… not enough caffeine in my system yet
I hear: office sounds… photocopier, phones ringing, typing on keyboards
I smell: my coffee… mmmmmm sweet nectar of the gods
I crave: Vietnamese food ALL THE TIME
I search: the Internet daily looking for things to read, especially if they have anything to do with adoption, or injustice
I wonder: What people really think about me
I regret: Not taking the teaching job in Japan…
I love: my daughter, my family, and my friends
I ache: to parent more kids… see previous blog post
I care: what I look like
I always: have 3 books on the go
I am not: organized
I believe: that there is a god and she/he (ha) doesn’t care what you call her/him
I dance: When I am cooking, when I want ML to cheer up, ok ok anytime I can get away with it
I sing: In the car
I cry: too often. When a pregnancy is announced, when I see a homecoming story on a blog, when I watch it on you tube, when I watch extreme makeover home edition (shhh that one is a secret) when I think I will not have more kids…
I don't always: think before speak
I fight: When I feel there is an injustice happening
I write: Because it is very therapeutic and cheaper than therapy
I win: at asshole. I am freakishly good at that stupid game
I lose: my keys daily. I have 3 sets just in case
I never: say never…that is just asking for it to happen
I confuse: people all the time… I have a warped sense of humor
I listen: to the beastie boys every chance I get
I can usually be found: with my daughter
I am scared of: scary movies… even the DaVinci Code freaked me out
I need: good directions or I will get lost
I am happy about: going to Radium for the May Long weekend

Ok so I tag... Jackie, Barb, and Shelley as they are all pretty new to the blog game and I want to know more about them!

My Heart Just Aches...

This post is inspired by the Legitimate Families post by Nicky. Not specifically about whether transracial adoption is legitimate, but why I am adopting.

My heart just aches. I do not know how else to describe how I feel about adding to my family. My heart just aches to parent more kids.

Anyone who has read any of my ranting and ravings about my ex, ML's father, knows we do not get along. Have I tried? Yup. Over and over again. It causes me and ML so much grief, I know that I never want to go down that path again. This path of separated parents.

And still my heart breaks a little every time a friend or acquaintance announces a pregnancy. But with the experience I have had with the ex and court and the fighting... Pregnancy is not something I am willing to do without a very secure and stable relationship. And I am 35 with no prospects on the horizon... Of course, never say never, but as it stands now. NO. It hurts too much to feel like a part time parent. And to parent with one who is not willing to be collaborative... frustrating is an understatement.

So I have been researching adoption for almost 3 years. I have looked into adopting from the province. They are looking for 2 parent homes. I want to preserve the birth order in my house, it is important to me. I know ML needs to be the oldest. The only kids the province sees fit to place with a single gal like me are much older. That is not the right choice for my family.

When I first looked into International Adoption, my heart was drawn to Haiti. I used to live in Montreal, and there is a large Haitian community there. I was lucky enough to meet and work with many, thus Haiti felt right. However international adoption in Haiti is full of problems at the moment. I felt I needed to move on.

So I am now pursuing Ethiopia, and my heart aches. It aches now to know who the new little person(s) is/are who will be apart of ML's and my family.

The reactions? Almost always first is about the money. In fact, today when discussing with my sister about a recent pregnancy announcement, I mentioned how it is hard to hear. The first thing she says? "Why? Could you afford to have another kid?" This I assume is directed at me because I am a single parent. I am sure no one would ask a couple that if they stated they wanted to add a second child to their family. But this is the reaction I get whenever I mention this desire, this ache I feel to parent another child.

The second reaction to this ache? Always seems like a competition. Who hurts the most. "Well at least you have have a kid, you know so-and so don't have any so you are lucky" in comparison. I do not like the who hurts more game. Until you have walked in an other's shoes... you do not know.

The third, is the most upsetting. For some reason people feel the need to tell me that a child who has a different skin color than me is better off hungry or dying in their home country than becoming a part of this Caucasian single mom's home. Then I am told that I can't save the world. I know that.

I ache for another child. International adoption will bring that child into my home. Perfect solution for all the orphans in the world? Absolutely not. Perfect for me in this imperfect world? Absolutely.

Tell Two

If you have been around the adoption world a while, you may have come across the transracial/transnational blog at adoptionblogs.com. And you would have read the writing of of Erin, mom to 11, two of which are HIV +.

She no longer blogs there. She now is the HIV+ coordinator for AAI. On her blog today she has asked that we each tell two people the following. I am going to post her entire blog entry here.

Tell two
Today I have heard from several different parents of HIV+ children who are facing negative reactions to their adoptions based on the stigma and ignorance surrounding HIV. It is extremely frustrating to me that in 2008 there is still so much unfounded fear caused by a lack of education, that results in nasty, ugly and mean treatment of people who are HIV+ and their families.

The reason people in the U.S. are not educated about HIV is that most people don't care, because most people in this country are not affected by it. People still see it as the problem of homosexuals, drug users and people in Africa. The reality is, HIV/AIDS is everyone's problem. It is a devastating problem in Africa and many countries, but there are many, many Americans living with this disease as well. In fact, new cases of HIV in the U.S. are now being seen in the largest numbers in heterosexual women. HIV/AIDS is a HUMAN problem.

Living with this nasty disease is hard enough, but compounding that with the misguided fear and judgment of society is beyond tragic, and as the mom of two HIV+ children, it is sad and frustrating.

So, if you are one of the many who check in to this blog every day, I am asking you to do me a favor. I want you to tell at least two people about HIV. Spread the word that...

- HIV can NOT be spread through causal/household contact. HIV is not spread through hugging, kissing, shaking hands, sharing toys, sneezing, coughing, sharing food, sharing drinks, bathing, swimming or any other causal way. It has been proven that HIV and AIDS can only be spread through sexual contact, birth, breastfeeding and blood to blood contact (such as sharing needles).

- HIV is now considered a chronic but manageable disease. With treatment, people who are HIV+ can live indefinitely without developing AIDS and can live long and full lives.

- People who are HIV+ deserve to be treated with love, respect, support and acceptance as all people do.

If anyone wants more info on transmission, there is great info on the Center for Disease Control website at http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/resources/factsheets/transmission.htm

Help me spread the truth about HIV, and take a tiny stab at the stigma against HIV. Tell your friend when you talk on the phone. Tell your spouse. Tell your parents. Post it on your blog and ask other people to tell their readers. Ask them to pass it on as well. I would love to see this spread beyond the adoption blogs.

Even if you have no real interest in HIV/AIDS, even if you are not involved in adoption, even if you don't think you know anyone who is HIV+... education and knowledge are always a good thing. It is so easy to say to someone, "hey, guess what I learned today?" and it is even easier to put it on a blog or in an email.

Do it for me. Do it for the other adoptive families and the HIV+ orphans that are waiting for homes. Do it for Belane and Solomon. Do it for all of the other people on this planet living with HIV. If everyone that reads this blog tells at least two people, that is a whole bunch of people we can reach and a little bit of difference we can make.

The Tough Stuff

Daily, I think about what my life will be like once I have adopted a child. The stuff I think about it is not all butterflies and rainbows of what my wonderful love filled life will look like. I think a lot about the mundane things that I do now, and how those will change. How life will be like in our house with 2 kids (or more) instead of just ML. I think about the logistics of more swimming lessons and going to the movies, and more toys and bike rides... I also think a lot about attachment. Not just the child attaching to us, but me to the new kid in the house.

Some people fall in love with their kids instantly, whether they are their's by birth or adoption. When ML was born, I was not instantly in love with her. I felt so guilty! You watch a baby story and you assume it is just what happens, instant maternal love. My sisters asked me what it was like to love someone so much instantly, and I faked my answer. Told them what I thought they wanted to hear, not what I really was feeling.. I just didn't "feel" what I thought I was supposed to feel. There was no instantaneous love, for me, it took time.

I assume it will be similar for me when I adopt. I have read Melissa Faye Greene article on post adoption panic a few times. "My friends also gave good advice. “You don’t have to love him,” one said consolingly over coffee. “You can just pretend to love him. He won’t know. Jesse’s never been so mothered in his life. Jesse’s in heaven. Just fake it. Your faking it is the greatest, sweetest thing that's ever happened to him."

This, I know, will be my mantra. Fake it until I feel it.

I bring this up now, as over at Our Big Crazy Family's blog, there is a great discussion about the Tough Stuff. It is great reading, and I just wanted to share.

IAMASLUT - Wanna be one too?

Tasha over at Uzbek? Ubet! has created a new community called IAMASLUT - stands for: International Adoption Mothers' Association - Single (or, Sexy if married), Lovely, Unique, Talented

And the best part? Besides being able to call yourself a slut, of course (hee hee) is that you get your very own, personalized certificate, emailed to you!

Email Tasha and join in on the fun!

A Walk to Beautiful

Hat Tip Our Munchkins .

I was blog surfing today and I found a link to this award winning documentary - A Walk to Beautiful. It airs in May 2008.

The film tells the personal stories of rural women who make their way to Ethiopia's capital, Addis Ababa, seeking treatment for obstetric fistula, a life-shattering complication of childbirth that was once common in the pre-industrial United States but that is now relegated to the poorest regions of the world.

The women profiled in "A Walk to Beautiful" are treated as virtual lepers in their villages, where they are shunned by family and made to live alone. One women admits to contemplating suicide.

Through chance they learn that there are other women who share their affliction, and that the Addis Ababa Fistula Hospital exists to help them—if they can manage to walk for hours to the nearest road, find public transport to the capital, and then search out the hospital in a strange and forbidding city. Once there, they enter a haven that they never imagined, surrounded by women like themselves and a medical staff of Western and African doctors who treat them like human beings, not outcasts.

Tagged...

I've been tagged!!
Here are the rules: Choose 5 people to tag and a reason you chose each person (can be totally nonsensical)Leave them each a comment directing them to your blog so they know they are it You can't tag the person who tagged you. As a courtesy to the person who tagged you, please let them know when you have posted so they can have the sheer delight and extra work load of reading your answers

OK I am going to cheat a little here, as everyone I would have tagged has already been tagged... so I guess that is what happens when you are a procrastinator! So if you see this, and have not done it, feel free to play along.

So 10 random things about me...hmmmmm
1) I sell Usborne books, but only to my friends and to myself...
2) I love to shop ALONE, and prefer it to actually being in the company of others
3) I think Beer and Nachos are the greatest combo ever invented, especially when watching a hockey game
4) I take Bellydancing classes
5) I am a news junkie, I have to know what is happening in the world
6) If I never ate pizza or pasta again, it would be fine with me
7) I love to make cards, and I haven't purchased a card in over 4 years, my mom even pays me to make them for her
8) I am a soccer coach for my daughter, and on a regular basis, I would compare it to herding cats (which is one of my favourite expressions, that doesn't involve swearing! ha ha)
9) People who take 2 parking spots are on the top of my list of things that drive me CRAZY!!... not sure why this irks me so much, I think it is the sense of entitlement people seem to have when they do this. Makes me especially crazy on Saturday mornings when I am trying to find a parking spot at my daughters skating lessons, and there are no spots because so many people do this...
10) No one in my real day to day life knows about either of my blogs!!

A Blue Ribbon For Baby Max

Please follow this link to read about this campaign.

Another Great Adoption Journey Chronicled

Just in case anyone is not familiar with Owlhaven and Owlhaven's blog on Adoptionblogs.com. She has been chronicling the journey of her family, meeting the 2 newest members of their family, in Ethiopia. Be warned, you might need a Kleenex!

Reading this story makes me so open to adopting older children one day....