Imagine Adoption Bankrupt

I received an email today from the Alberta government, stating that Imagine Adoption/Kidslink has declared bankruptcy and closed. I was slated to work with them, that is how I was on the email list.

Because of the turn of events in my life, the adoption plan was placed on hold.

I immediately went to their website, and say the bankruptcy notice, and the line about not having enough money to service their families haunts me.

I feel for all the families that are impacted by this. I wish it wasn't true. I wish I had the right thing to say to make anyone in this situation feel remotely better.

To all those affected. I am truly sorry. My heart aches for you.

Silver Lining

It has taken a whole week, but I am starting to see the silver lining.

I have eluded to some of the "drama" that is surrounding this "lay off" on my single mom life blog, and I am now seeing the silver lining.

This awfulness will allow the adoption of NK to continue. The faster I find new employment, the more of my severance package that can be used for the funding of the adoption.

AHOPE T-Shirts

One of the blogs I read had a link to the new AHOPE store selling t-shirts, and I wanted to share the informtaion.

I will have a link posted on the bottom of my blog for future reference. I would have it higher but I am not having much luck getting the whole image on the sidebar... ( this is a cry for help if anyone knows a quick fix... hint hint!!)

Should I Just Buy Everyone I Know a Book?

SO I was speaking to someone about my adoption plans today, let's call her T. And T said "so you know S.? She has a friend who adopted from Ethiopia and they were told that their daughter has to be tested for HIV for 6-7 years as that is how long it sometimes takes to show up".

Now I said I don't believe that is accurate, but all I hear from her is "well I don't think someone who has adopted a baby from Africa is ill informed about this Tanya"!!

I suck at the answering these questions. Especially with people I am close to. As I don't want to be defensive and I don't want to argue...

I feel like going and buying EVERYONE I know a copy of either 28: Stories Of Aids In Africa or There Is No Me Without You: One Woman's Odyssey to Rescue Africa's Children!!!

Types of Moms and Questions

I am the kind of mom who does not freak about germs and dirt. My daughter has been in a daycare setting since she was 9 months old. As a result had the chicken pox at 10 months, and (gasp) as a consequence didn't have the chickenpox vaccine. I expect kids to get dirty, and then expect some of that dirt will be ingested. I also do not wipe down everything that my child could come into contact with. Prior to eating, I don't wipe down with my own wipes a table at a restaurant, etc. etc. I figure it is all good, builds up the immunity right?

Well the rest of my family is not like this. Please don't think that my house is a mess and that I don't like things clean. I just think kids are kids, and dirt never hurt anyone. The rest of my family panics about anyone touching ANYTHING before it has been properly sanitized. Really. I try to be a "go with the flow" sister and daughter about the whole thing, but it is hard. Like the time I was scolded for giving my nephew a "dirty" shoebox to play with. Dirty because it came from the store and people have touched it....

Why is this relevant to my adoption blog?

I have been slowly discussing my adoption plans with my sister, and she is asking lots of questions, most of them are ill informed, but I understand she hasn't been researching and reading about adoption for the last 2.5 years so I am trying to inform her.

The first questions was "so you are going to adopt a Chinese baby then?" I explained that is no longer an option for a single gal, and was never my first choice. The next Question was "so you will adopt another 3rd world baby then?" And so I explained my plan is to adopt from Ethiopia, a girl most likely under the age of 4, as I don't want a huge age difference between ML and NK.

The Last Question, and the one that required all that background info was "well do you get to pick a healthy one?". I explained how yes you do get to decide which, if any, special needs you would be comfortable accepting. I told sister I am of course I am open to a child with Epilepsy as ML has it, wouldn't change her for the world, and I know I can deal with that. So then she asks the HIV/AIDS question. I tell her that the kids are tested for that, but she was not convinced that the tests "there" would be reliable. She then asked about Hep B and others, I said again tested.... she then says "but kids suck on things and that is how people get Hep B and what if NK falls and skins their knee and there is blood... I would be nervous about having son play with your girls...."

I then tried to explain my limited knowledge about such things, but all she kept saying is "but you could just request a healthy one, if there are so many, please don't get one with a disease..."

Perspective

OK after my fluff post below, I am going to link to a gut wrenching post. It is from Owlhaven. Reading it, literally made me feel like I was kicked in the stomach.

My sister Sophie arrived in Ethiopia a week ago, and will be working at the Soddo Hospital until August. She sent me this email on Friday.

Dr. Ruth asked us if we would be able to walk a family to the orphanage. A couple had brought their infant to the outpatient department, hoping to give her up for adoption. When I saw them, I immediately knew that the dad had AIDS. He was remarkably thin, with a round belly. Every single bone in his face stuck out, and he looked completely exhausted. The mom was a beautiful petite little thing, openly nursing her gorgeous (no words to express how beautiful this baby is!), chubby baby.

I took a deep breath, chatted as much as I could (about 2 sentences before explaining to her that I only speak a little bit of Amharic and don’t understand what she just said), admired the baby, and started the walk to the orphanage. My heart broke for the family walking behind me. How completely desperate they must be to bring this stunningly beautiful, and clearly cherished, child to an orphanage. I sadly noticed that their clothes were church clothes—they must have dressed up for the occasion. I’m pretty sure I could not have done that.

When we got to the orphanage, we were surrounded by even more gorgeous little ones, all vying for our attention. Even though I held hands and greeted these giggling children, my heart was still with that mom who was holding her baby close to her. We presented the family to the man in charge, who asked a few questions (mostly, “if you are both alive, why are you bringing this child here?”) before telling them that they needed to bring the child to their local kebele (government office), who would take care of the court proceedings before they could legally give their child up. Dad was not happy about it, but I think I saw a hint of relief in the mother’s eyes. Not today, she was thinking.

As I had chai and dabbo (tea and bread) at that orphanage with children crawling all over me, I wondered what would happen with that family. Would the mom convince her husband that they could wait just awhile longer? Maybe she wouldn’t get sick. Maybe the little girl is healthy. Maybe they wouldn’t have to say goodbye to their cherished baby. Maybe their prayers would be answered.

Maybe someday we’ll understand why God chooses to do what He does. Maybe we’ll know why He lets things happen that, from our perspective, could never be “for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” How could a continent full of orphaned children be good for anyone?

The Spare Room

This post was inspired by CinnamonOpus...

This weekend, since it was so crappy out and I didn't get to stain my deck and fence..(Oh when rain gods will you let me have a rain free weekend??) I started to de-clutter my house. The room that had my focus was the spare room / the unnamed unknown child's room. Unnamed unknown child is too long and impersonal. They need initials... I like NK - new kid. Plus those are my mom's initials.


It took all day but I sorted thorough the junk, organized the closet, gathered ML's books and toys that she has outgrown and strategically placed them in the room. I am not one of those people who actually enjoys this sort of thing, but when I was looked into the room, saw the toys and books, thinking of NK , who would (I hope) love and abuse them, it made a day of cleaning all worth it.

Feel good Article

Here is something to make your Monday feel just a little bit better.

I soooo wanted to say something...

I am ML's soccer coach again this year, and last night at our game we were playing the Yellow team (we are Maroon!). Gripping story so far, I know!

Anyways, I noticed that there was a transracial family on the yellow team. Two white parents cheering very loudly for a little girl, who, if I had to guess, was Haitian.

I so wanted to go up to them and ask a million questions, but then how do you do that at a non adoption function without looking like an ass? Seriously!! Plus I didn't want to single them out. It is supposed to be fun evening of soccer not Maroon Coach Tanya quizzing members of the Yellow team.

So tell me, what would you have done? What could I have said so as not to sound like a jerk who is just way to nosy?

All I could think of to say was "hi i noticed your family and I wanted to say hi because I am in the process of adopting but I don't want to assume that you adopted and I hope that I am not being too nosy...." and to say that really really fast... ha ha but then they might have looked at me like who is this crazy lady??

So in the end. I said nothing.
Advice? Anyone? Anyone?

I Will Be a Disaster in September

Last night was Kindergarten Orientation, and during the opening speech I started to get misty eyed... I wrote about it more here. Wow I think I will be a blubbering mess when ML has her first day of school in September.

I had a great chat with the teacher, and the classroom is so cute!! I spoke with her about ML's Epilepsy and her Father and then I told her about my adoption plans and she was so excited for us.

She asked me if I would like her to try to incorporate the country of choice into the curriculum, and I said that would be wonderful. I asked her to wait until we are officially a waiting family.

I think I might be as excited for ML to go to this school as she is!! Hee!!

ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN
KINDERGARTEN

(a guide for Global Leadership)

All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sand pile at school.
These are the things I learned:
Share everything.
Play fair.
Don't hit people.
Put things back where you found them.
Clean up your own mess.
Don't take things that aren't yours.
Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.
Wash your hands before you eat.
Flush.
Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw
and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
Take a nap every afternoon.
When you go out in the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together.
Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: the roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.
Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup - they all die. So do we.
And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all - LOOK.

Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and equality and sane living. Take any one of those items and extrapolate it into sophisticated adult terms and apply it to your family life or your work or government or your world and it holds true and clear and firm. Think what a better world it would be if we all - the whole world - had cookies and milk at about 3 o'clock in the afternoon and then lay down with our blankies for a nap. Or if all governments had as a basic policy to always put things back where they found them and to clean up their own mess. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out in the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.

[Source: "ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN KINDERGARTEN" by Robert Fulghum. See his web site at http://www.robertfulghum.com/ ]

Silent Sibling - Being the Non-Adopted Child

This article from rainbowkids.com could very well be written by ML when she is older.

I have found many articles, blog posts, books all speaking of the need of adoptive parents to ensure that the birth culture of their adopted child is celebrated, and cultural events attended etc. Very rarely is this discussed in relation to any children who arrived in the family by birth. I know that everyday can be a celebration of their culture of being Canadian (or whatever cultural affiliation the family claims), but there needs to be more than that, I think at least.

This really made me think about ML when the author spoke about attending a Polish Festival.

"After all of these rich Korean cultural experiences, my parents thought it would be a great idea for me to explore my own Polish cultural heritage".

ML was born in Quebec. We moved from there when she has 4 months old. To hear her father speak you would think it is a vastly different culture and ethnicity than the rest of "English Canada". I want ML to know of her French background and culture as well as English. Granted, she has access to her french culture when she spends her weekends with her father, but I want it to be celebrated in our house as well.

The biggest lesson I took form this article can be summed up in the following quote:

Although not an official member of the triad, siblings are fully engulfed by the world of adoption. In fact, having a sibling who is adopted internationally means being an ambassador to the world of adoption: answering endless questions from various, interested people, attending enriching cultural events, among many other tasks, both large and small. It often requires reporting to others who are not aware of adoption not only the basics, but also intimate elements of the everyday life of your family that would otherwise remain private.

At times,the role of ambassador can be a heavy burden, especially since no sibling has asked for this life-long appointment. On the other hand, it can provide diverse, eye-opening experiences that most are not lucky enough to experience and even allow siblings who are brought together by adoption to bond in ways that biological siblings often do not.

This article just reminds me that I need to ensure that we do "French and English Canadian" cultural activities as well as ethnicity of our future adopted child in our family. I hope that one day I can take ML back to Quebec to see where she was born, to see our old house, the hospital etc. The same as I would wish for my adopted child, to take them back to the country of their birth.

This article was a great reminder of how to ensure that the non-adopted child/ren in the family are not left out in the learning about their cultural heritage.

40 Days of Change

Rana posted this challenge on her blog a few days ago. I wanted to join in.

What is 40 days of change you ask? Well, I will tell you. 40 Days of Change is about making a change. A change in you, to aspects of your life, to your community or to the world.

I have been mulling around the idea for a few days, trying to decide what I would do. Well I have decided.

I want to change the amount I consume.
I want to get rid of the excess STUFF that is cluttering up our house

How I consume food, household items, clothing etc. When buying groceries yesterday the increase prices of food really hit home.

And then this is happening. (I know if I consume less food etc. it won't end food shortages and droughts.) In North America, we consume far more than we need. Also the less I consume, the easier on the pocket book my adoption will be.

There is too much "stuff" in my house, and I want to get rid of it.

Rana is posting daily inspirations, and I recommend you check out her blog to follow along. I will post intermittently about my progress as well!

Thanks for this great Idea Rana!!

Letter to the editor.

Oh sometimes it is hard to live where I live. This is a quote from the local paper's opinion section.

Two Ontario women ” who set themselves up as a married couple, had a child and then split ” were both awarded parental rights to the child by the Ontario Court of Appeal, even though only one of the women has any blood relationship to the kid. So, now, the woman with no blood relationship to the child has just as much say about the future of the kid as either the biological father or birth mother. (emphasis mine)

Lawyers say the ruling may pave the way for courts to decide children can legally have multiple parents, including foster parents, close friends, uncles, aunts, etc.
If that happens, surely we will have chaos in our society.
But let's all get nuts.
Let's allow people to have multiple wives or husbands, and since anything apparently goes in our society” let's keep the rest of our options open, too, wherever that leads us.

I have responded with a letter to the editor. I guess we will see if it is published.

My letter stated the following.

The right of a same sex couple to be seen as legal parents and guardians in the eyes of the law has nothing to do with legalizing Polygamy. Since when does sharing DNA have anything to do with being a good parent? Are adoptive parents not parents? If a same sex couple has a child together, they are that child's parents. What about a couple who is infertile? What if they use a sperm or egg donor? Are they not the child's parent? The ability to procreate and sharing DNA is not indicative of a person's ability to be a good parent. This is just fear mongering.

My Heart Just Aches...

This post is inspired by the Legitimate Families post by Nicky. Not specifically about whether transracial adoption is legitimate, but why I am adopting.

My heart just aches. I do not know how else to describe how I feel about adding to my family. My heart just aches to parent more kids.

Anyone who has read any of my ranting and ravings about my ex, ML's father, knows we do not get along. Have I tried? Yup. Over and over again. It causes me and ML so much grief, I know that I never want to go down that path again. This path of separated parents.

And still my heart breaks a little every time a friend or acquaintance announces a pregnancy. But with the experience I have had with the ex and court and the fighting... Pregnancy is not something I am willing to do without a very secure and stable relationship. And I am 35 with no prospects on the horizon... Of course, never say never, but as it stands now. NO. It hurts too much to feel like a part time parent. And to parent with one who is not willing to be collaborative... frustrating is an understatement.

So I have been researching adoption for almost 3 years. I have looked into adopting from the province. They are looking for 2 parent homes. I want to preserve the birth order in my house, it is important to me. I know ML needs to be the oldest. The only kids the province sees fit to place with a single gal like me are much older. That is not the right choice for my family.

When I first looked into International Adoption, my heart was drawn to Haiti. I used to live in Montreal, and there is a large Haitian community there. I was lucky enough to meet and work with many, thus Haiti felt right. However international adoption in Haiti is full of problems at the moment. I felt I needed to move on.

So I am now pursuing Ethiopia, and my heart aches. It aches now to know who the new little person(s) is/are who will be apart of ML's and my family.

The reactions? Almost always first is about the money. In fact, today when discussing with my sister about a recent pregnancy announcement, I mentioned how it is hard to hear. The first thing she says? "Why? Could you afford to have another kid?" This I assume is directed at me because I am a single parent. I am sure no one would ask a couple that if they stated they wanted to add a second child to their family. But this is the reaction I get whenever I mention this desire, this ache I feel to parent another child.

The second reaction to this ache? Always seems like a competition. Who hurts the most. "Well at least you have have a kid, you know so-and so don't have any so you are lucky" in comparison. I do not like the who hurts more game. Until you have walked in an other's shoes... you do not know.

The third, is the most upsetting. For some reason people feel the need to tell me that a child who has a different skin color than me is better off hungry or dying in their home country than becoming a part of this Caucasian single mom's home. Then I am told that I can't save the world. I know that.

I ache for another child. International adoption will bring that child into my home. Perfect solution for all the orphans in the world? Absolutely not. Perfect for me in this imperfect world? Absolutely.

Tell Two

If you have been around the adoption world a while, you may have come across the transracial/transnational blog at adoptionblogs.com. And you would have read the writing of of Erin, mom to 11, two of which are HIV +.

She no longer blogs there. She now is the HIV+ coordinator for AAI. On her blog today she has asked that we each tell two people the following. I am going to post her entire blog entry here.

Tell two
Today I have heard from several different parents of HIV+ children who are facing negative reactions to their adoptions based on the stigma and ignorance surrounding HIV. It is extremely frustrating to me that in 2008 there is still so much unfounded fear caused by a lack of education, that results in nasty, ugly and mean treatment of people who are HIV+ and their families.

The reason people in the U.S. are not educated about HIV is that most people don't care, because most people in this country are not affected by it. People still see it as the problem of homosexuals, drug users and people in Africa. The reality is, HIV/AIDS is everyone's problem. It is a devastating problem in Africa and many countries, but there are many, many Americans living with this disease as well. In fact, new cases of HIV in the U.S. are now being seen in the largest numbers in heterosexual women. HIV/AIDS is a HUMAN problem.

Living with this nasty disease is hard enough, but compounding that with the misguided fear and judgment of society is beyond tragic, and as the mom of two HIV+ children, it is sad and frustrating.

So, if you are one of the many who check in to this blog every day, I am asking you to do me a favor. I want you to tell at least two people about HIV. Spread the word that...

- HIV can NOT be spread through causal/household contact. HIV is not spread through hugging, kissing, shaking hands, sharing toys, sneezing, coughing, sharing food, sharing drinks, bathing, swimming or any other causal way. It has been proven that HIV and AIDS can only be spread through sexual contact, birth, breastfeeding and blood to blood contact (such as sharing needles).

- HIV is now considered a chronic but manageable disease. With treatment, people who are HIV+ can live indefinitely without developing AIDS and can live long and full lives.

- People who are HIV+ deserve to be treated with love, respect, support and acceptance as all people do.

If anyone wants more info on transmission, there is great info on the Center for Disease Control website at http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/resources/factsheets/transmission.htm

Help me spread the truth about HIV, and take a tiny stab at the stigma against HIV. Tell your friend when you talk on the phone. Tell your spouse. Tell your parents. Post it on your blog and ask other people to tell their readers. Ask them to pass it on as well. I would love to see this spread beyond the adoption blogs.

Even if you have no real interest in HIV/AIDS, even if you are not involved in adoption, even if you don't think you know anyone who is HIV+... education and knowledge are always a good thing. It is so easy to say to someone, "hey, guess what I learned today?" and it is even easier to put it on a blog or in an email.

Do it for me. Do it for the other adoptive families and the HIV+ orphans that are waiting for homes. Do it for Belane and Solomon. Do it for all of the other people on this planet living with HIV. If everyone that reads this blog tells at least two people, that is a whole bunch of people we can reach and a little bit of difference we can make.

Finally!!

Look what I got in the mail today!

Permission from the province to obtain a homestudy to adopt from Ethiopia! YAY!!!

Now it really starts right?

Primer On Things People Will Say

On one of the adoption message boards I belong to, a link to an newspaper article about adoption is posted.

I am, of course, compelled to read it. Then I read the comments.

Anyone who wants to be ready for every imaginable thing they will hear from their uninformed, anti-adoption friend, relative, neighbour or acquaintance... Click here.

Some of my "favourites" (sarcasm intended) are ones I have heard before...

"Gogh Forit from Canada writes: Whatever happened to do it yourself?"

"Chadwick Minh from Canada writes: I've read that the adoption numbers
in Canada are extremely low. "...an alarmingly low placement rate: of almost
26,000 kids in 2000, only 1,585 found permanent homes with adoptive parents. Six
per cent." http://www.thecanadianencyclopedia.com/ Why are people looking
outside the country to adopt?"

"l m from Canada writes: Adoption rates
within Canada are abysmally low. Everyone wants a baby but people should know
that once a child reaches the age of 3, the chances of being adopted fall to
almost zero. This is outrageous. If you really want a child, you should be
willing to adopt a 3 year old. There should be an outright ban on foreign
adoptions until all the needy children here are placed. I also believe that it
is wrong to take a child out of its own culture just to satisfy the whims of
trendy white liberals. There are enough pressures today without a child feeling
alienated because it is black or yellow while its "parents" are white. "

My favourite? It was a hard choice but this one wins:

" M from Vancouver, Canada writes: "Then if it takes so long to adopt a child here, in Canada, then that is what needs to be addressed."The only way to address it is to remove financial support for young single mothers. There are precious few healthy infants available for adoption in any given year.

The Tough Stuff

Daily, I think about what my life will be like once I have adopted a child. The stuff I think about it is not all butterflies and rainbows of what my wonderful love filled life will look like. I think a lot about the mundane things that I do now, and how those will change. How life will be like in our house with 2 kids (or more) instead of just ML. I think about the logistics of more swimming lessons and going to the movies, and more toys and bike rides... I also think a lot about attachment. Not just the child attaching to us, but me to the new kid in the house.

Some people fall in love with their kids instantly, whether they are their's by birth or adoption. When ML was born, I was not instantly in love with her. I felt so guilty! You watch a baby story and you assume it is just what happens, instant maternal love. My sisters asked me what it was like to love someone so much instantly, and I faked my answer. Told them what I thought they wanted to hear, not what I really was feeling.. I just didn't "feel" what I thought I was supposed to feel. There was no instantaneous love, for me, it took time.

I assume it will be similar for me when I adopt. I have read Melissa Faye Greene article on post adoption panic a few times. "My friends also gave good advice. “You don’t have to love him,” one said consolingly over coffee. “You can just pretend to love him. He won’t know. Jesse’s never been so mothered in his life. Jesse’s in heaven. Just fake it. Your faking it is the greatest, sweetest thing that's ever happened to him."

This, I know, will be my mantra. Fake it until I feel it.

I bring this up now, as over at Our Big Crazy Family's blog, there is a great discussion about the Tough Stuff. It is great reading, and I just wanted to share.

IAMASLUT - Wanna be one too?

Tasha over at Uzbek? Ubet! has created a new community called IAMASLUT - stands for: International Adoption Mothers' Association - Single (or, Sexy if married), Lovely, Unique, Talented

And the best part? Besides being able to call yourself a slut, of course (hee hee) is that you get your very own, personalized certificate, emailed to you!

Email Tasha and join in on the fun!

Lost Application

I am not having a lot of luck with the start of this process!

I mailed my application to the province at the end of February so that I could obtain a home study. I was absent minded and mailed it in forgetting to sign it!(oops)

So I sent another application, this time making sure it was signed and filled out properly.I have been waiting and waiting (not so patiently) for my reply so that I could finally start.

It has been over a month and no reply, so I sent a friendly email to the person who informed me of my absentmindedness (spell check is not flagging this, is this even a word?) in the first place to see is she knew what was happening. She tells me that it hasn't been received So we assume it is lost in bureaucracy.

Today, again, I sent out my application, for a third time. It is signed, filled out, and I wait again.

I sense a theme....

At least I know what the time frame now is. It should take a week to process and then it is mailed back to me.

I keep wondering if this is a sign? Or a test? Or because the kid(s) that are meant to be with us aren't ready yet...