Adoption Plans in the Future

So I disappeared again, this time for 11 months. And a lot of things have Changed.

The biggest is when I fill out the adoption papers I will do so as part of a married couple.

The last post on this blog was about a package I received in the mail about money donated to an orphanage in Harare Zimbabwe, in my name. Well that act, and the subsequent scrapbook detailing the donation, really did melt my cold single mom heart. So we slowly rekindled the relationship, and now we are getting married in August in Banff.

So my Fiancé, and it is still so weird to type that, and I plan on visiting this Orphanage in 2010 when we visit the Fiancé's, (aka PN) family.

To now see many of my old blogging friends have referrals or even their children home, makes me so happy for them.

Silver Lining

It has taken a whole week, but I am starting to see the silver lining.

I have eluded to some of the "drama" that is surrounding this "lay off" on my single mom life blog, and I am now seeing the silver lining.

This awfulness will allow the adoption of NK to continue. The faster I find new employment, the more of my severance package that can be used for the funding of the adoption.

LAID OFF

Yup. That is what I got to hear on Friday. So the adoption of NK is on hold until I find employment again. I have been offered a severance package so I will be fine. It just (obviously) sucks a lot. I have never been unemployed...

And What Did You Do On Canada Day?

I am cross posting this from my other blog as I want to know what everyone did for their Canada Day!

It has been a trying couple of days for us at Chez single mom.

First Monday night a friend, who I had just spent the day with on Saturday, was seriously hurt at work and we weren't sure that he was going to make it... things are looking up for him, but it will be a long road. If you know anything about trucking and winches... the winch flung back and hit him in the throat... he is lucky to be alive.

I took ML to the local Canada Day Celebrations to get my mind off of things, and we made not one but two separate trips to the medical tent. Once for sunscreen in the eyes (kids tear free no less) that took about 4 eye wash/flushing to get out. How she managed to get so much sunscreen in her eyes is beyond me....

Then as we waited in line for a hot dog ML leaned against the very hot BBQ and burnt her arm. It was at this point that I threw in the towel!! She was treated and we went HOME!!!

Hope your Canada Day was less stressful than ours!!

One of the reaons *I* am choosing to be a SAMBC - Updated with Picture

SAMBC = Single Adoptive Mom By Choice.

As we all know I am already a Single Mom. Being a Single Mom to ML was not my first "choice" but it was my second, and the better of the two. Take my word for it.

This weekend, as we all know was Father's Day. ML is supposed to spend Father's day with her Father, is spelled out in the parenting agreement even. She made a Hand Plaster Cast of her Hand to give him on this Father's day. She decorated it with Jewels and wrote I LOVE DAD on it. She was so proud of her creation, talked about giving it to him all week.

He didn't show up. He didn't call. Nothing. She was Heartbroken.

Now I am in no means painting all men with this brush, I know many wonderful Fathers, I have one myself. It is just when you have been on this side of the fence... making the choice to do it alone is easier.

(disclaimer - if Mr wonderful came into my life tomorow, I would include him in the journey in a heartbeat...)

Types of Moms and Questions

I am the kind of mom who does not freak about germs and dirt. My daughter has been in a daycare setting since she was 9 months old. As a result had the chicken pox at 10 months, and (gasp) as a consequence didn't have the chickenpox vaccine. I expect kids to get dirty, and then expect some of that dirt will be ingested. I also do not wipe down everything that my child could come into contact with. Prior to eating, I don't wipe down with my own wipes a table at a restaurant, etc. etc. I figure it is all good, builds up the immunity right?

Well the rest of my family is not like this. Please don't think that my house is a mess and that I don't like things clean. I just think kids are kids, and dirt never hurt anyone. The rest of my family panics about anyone touching ANYTHING before it has been properly sanitized. Really. I try to be a "go with the flow" sister and daughter about the whole thing, but it is hard. Like the time I was scolded for giving my nephew a "dirty" shoebox to play with. Dirty because it came from the store and people have touched it....

Why is this relevant to my adoption blog?

I have been slowly discussing my adoption plans with my sister, and she is asking lots of questions, most of them are ill informed, but I understand she hasn't been researching and reading about adoption for the last 2.5 years so I am trying to inform her.

The first questions was "so you are going to adopt a Chinese baby then?" I explained that is no longer an option for a single gal, and was never my first choice. The next Question was "so you will adopt another 3rd world baby then?" And so I explained my plan is to adopt from Ethiopia, a girl most likely under the age of 4, as I don't want a huge age difference between ML and NK.

The Last Question, and the one that required all that background info was "well do you get to pick a healthy one?". I explained how yes you do get to decide which, if any, special needs you would be comfortable accepting. I told sister I am of course I am open to a child with Epilepsy as ML has it, wouldn't change her for the world, and I know I can deal with that. So then she asks the HIV/AIDS question. I tell her that the kids are tested for that, but she was not convinced that the tests "there" would be reliable. She then asked about Hep B and others, I said again tested.... she then says "but kids suck on things and that is how people get Hep B and what if NK falls and skins their knee and there is blood... I would be nervous about having son play with your girls...."

I then tried to explain my limited knowledge about such things, but all she kept saying is "but you could just request a healthy one, if there are so many, please don't get one with a disease..."

I Realize I am an Idealist but...

Reading through my list of blogs I check on daily, I came across a post about a women asking for advice whether to add to her family or not. Obviously this is a very personal question and we assume that she will do what she wants regardless of what the blog world has to say. To colour her decision is the fact she has twins, boy girl after many years of infertility and treatment. She thinks she wants to add a 3rd.

Anyways what struck struck me is how many commenters mentioned the cost. Now I know kids cost money... I realize that daily. Some of the commenters wrote about needing a new house and needing a new car and how for them when they added the 3rd child PRIVATE SCHOOL was now just out of reach.... And that these were the important factors to consider when debating about addiong another child to the family.

Back to my title, I know I am an Idealist. I know some call me a Bleeding Heart. But comments like that just scream blatant materialism and commercialism. Kids can share rooms. I have seen it happen. My sisters shared a room until they were 14. No worse for ware, or so they assure me. Most cars fit 5 people, and with the price of gas bigger is certainly not better. And well Private school? Wow. That certainly would never factor in my decision on whether to add a child, but then again call me crazy.

I understand that there needs to be enough money coming in for the mortgage/rent, food clothes, etc. etc. And a little extra for soccer and movies is nice as well. All I can think of is how many kids in this world would probably wish for nothing more than a family with a small house and a shared bedroom to be loved in... private school be dammed. Any school would be a privilege.

OK I'm off my soapbox now.

Silent Sibling - Being the Non-Adopted Child

This article from rainbowkids.com could very well be written by ML when she is older.

I have found many articles, blog posts, books all speaking of the need of adoptive parents to ensure that the birth culture of their adopted child is celebrated, and cultural events attended etc. Very rarely is this discussed in relation to any children who arrived in the family by birth. I know that everyday can be a celebration of their culture of being Canadian (or whatever cultural affiliation the family claims), but there needs to be more than that, I think at least.

This really made me think about ML when the author spoke about attending a Polish Festival.

"After all of these rich Korean cultural experiences, my parents thought it would be a great idea for me to explore my own Polish cultural heritage".

ML was born in Quebec. We moved from there when she has 4 months old. To hear her father speak you would think it is a vastly different culture and ethnicity than the rest of "English Canada". I want ML to know of her French background and culture as well as English. Granted, she has access to her french culture when she spends her weekends with her father, but I want it to be celebrated in our house as well.

The biggest lesson I took form this article can be summed up in the following quote:

Although not an official member of the triad, siblings are fully engulfed by the world of adoption. In fact, having a sibling who is adopted internationally means being an ambassador to the world of adoption: answering endless questions from various, interested people, attending enriching cultural events, among many other tasks, both large and small. It often requires reporting to others who are not aware of adoption not only the basics, but also intimate elements of the everyday life of your family that would otherwise remain private.

At times,the role of ambassador can be a heavy burden, especially since no sibling has asked for this life-long appointment. On the other hand, it can provide diverse, eye-opening experiences that most are not lucky enough to experience and even allow siblings who are brought together by adoption to bond in ways that biological siblings often do not.

This article just reminds me that I need to ensure that we do "French and English Canadian" cultural activities as well as ethnicity of our future adopted child in our family. I hope that one day I can take ML back to Quebec to see where she was born, to see our old house, the hospital etc. The same as I would wish for my adopted child, to take them back to the country of their birth.

This article was a great reminder of how to ensure that the non-adopted child/ren in the family are not left out in the learning about their cultural heritage.

May Long Weekend YAY!!

This is where ML and I will be this weekend, with the whole Clan. There is sunshine to be sat in, a pool to play in, a spa day with my sisters, and lots of family fun to be had.

Hope your May 24 Weekend is a good one!